Hallowed Hollowed Hearts.

it is time to shake off the parasites. i feel a change in the wind, and it is mangling my hair. but i think i like the attention, and yeah, maybe it is somewhat undesired. but that is what life is all about.

i realize you probably don't even know what i am saying to you at this point, but that's okay. i like a little mystery so lets go with it. i have been feeling different lately. its not a bad feeling, no, and when i was dusting off my books the other day i remembered what i was going through this time last year. and i will admit that a slight sigh escaped my lips, and maybe i will submit to the fact that it held a twinge of guilt, but not enough to burn your violets to a cinder, okay? i was adjusting my mirrors, and i finally scraped some of the sentiment off of my walls. and i feel...renewed. and i will admit that it was a small step for mankind, but i thought it was a big leap for me. i have been feeling a lot like a shot in the dark for a while. but now i am beginning to understand that i am worth the while, i am worth remembering. and that is something worth raising a glass to.

what exactly is in that glass you wonder? it better be ginger ale, because it has almost been a year since i...well, since i decided that wasn't me anymore.

i cleaned my bedroom out. i am tired of shoving the dirt under the bed, and burying the bodies in the closet. the blood was staining the carpet. the walls were getting bent with the hidden weights. it might have been just a spring cleaning, but it felt much more symbolic than that. i woke up from that year long dust bowl that was raging in my soul underground.

.....i think i finally let go of the last piece of her that was holding me back.

i think i finally found....what was left of me, what was waiting for so long. no more excuses.

slanty town.

i have know idea what i want to say here. i just decided that i would start writing and see what happened. my mother was supposed to take me to thomas nelson today, but she didnt. she promised. but her back hurts. i dont know. i was just disappointed because i wanted to get it out of the way. my report card would have been perfect this time if it wasnt for the big fat eyesore of an "F" i got in physics. i hate physics. i never got to start my painting today in art class because i needed a picture of a rat, and i need some caramel corn, but alas. i never acquired these things. i need to get these things by thursday.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

well, i guess i didnt have that much to say today. i am drawing a blank. i am under so much stress. i need to get so much artwork done and i have so little time to do it in. anyway. here's to hope!

copy cat.

both victoria and coggs typed in random facts about themselves. usually, i work like a salmon and swim against the stream, but i love them. and i love their ideas. and i want to be part of the group. so i am going to list my self facts too!!!!! this is going to be a long list, so get comfortable.

- i went to one brownies meeting when i was a kid, and never went back because i hated it.
- i loved watching old shows when i was a kid. like the Golden Girls, and I Love Lucy.
- i have this curse of always wanting what i cant have.
- the guys i am attracted to are usually in a relationship.
- i can act like a complete snob, but its only because i hate settling for things i don't like.
- its really hard for me to tell people how i really feel.
- i haven't had time to read a lot of the books on my shelf, and it really bothers me.
- i love accents, and wish i had one. well, i do, in other countries.
- i feel like a terrible person sometimes for no reason.
- sometimes i will lay awake at night and wonder what my life would be like if i had made different choices.
- i hate talking on the phone for the first time to people. i know i sound like a child.
- i dislike borrowing books, because when i read a book i usually end up buying it.
- i hate it when people fold pages in books.
- mom borrowed my favorite book once, folded a page in it, i cried, and had to buy a new copy.
- i hate it when people post pictures of themselves kissing.
- when i am in a bad mood, i hate seeing happy people.
- i compare myself to others.
- i have the worst self esteem issues.
- i never leave the house without makeup on, and i only wear my hair up when i am working.
- i feel guilty when i am disappointed with my friends' choices.
- i feel like my mother didn't like me between the ages of 10-14
- i want so badly to live in CALIFORNIA, especially the Bay Area, Berkley.
- i am scared i don't have the talent to be a tattoo artist.
- i am terrified i will loose my talent. i forever have nightmares that my hands will be smashed or i will go blind.
- i consistently wonder if i was thinner, men would like me more.
- i hate that i can be just as shallow as the people i dislike for the same fault.
- i love Indian food, and hate American food.
- i hate cleaning, but cannot live without cleaning.
- i love cooking for people. even if i wont eat what i prepared.
- i get more joy out of giving gifts than receiving them.
- it makes my day when people tell me that they missed me, or that they thought about me.
- i am terrified of getting splints shoved under my nails
- when i am up extremely high, my legs get shaky. but i crave the feeling that fear brings.
- i always wished that i was raised Catholic, because i love the aesthetic.
- i am more proud to be vegan than i was to be vegetarian. i tell everyone.
- i hate it when i see ugly people in a relationship, when i am not.
- i hate it when people tell me that i am beautiful, and will find someone special soon, because i view false hope the same as lieing to my face.
- i consistently wonder if i scare people away by being myself.
- i apply fortunes from the cookies at Chinese places to my life.
- i love Disney world, i love Disney cartoons, i love Disney cartoon movies, but i hate most of the new Disney channel things.
- i love children.
- i love clothes that i cant wear.
- i never leave the house in stretchy pants unless i am going to the gym, because i feel like they highlight my flaws.
- i wish people didn't stereotype me so much.
- i am a hopeless romantic. i have always wanted to be kissed in the rain, walk hand in hand on the beach at sunset, proposed to holding a bouquet of wildflowers...
- i have a fear that i will never find anyone that will truly love me.
- did i say that i was really insecure?