"to the outside, the dead leaves, they all blow"

listening to Funeral by Band of Horses still makes me just as emotional as it did when i heard it for the first time.

just putting that out there, being as i was listening to it as i was writing this.

anyway, so i was in the mood for a little sentiment today and so i pulled out my old poetry books. i have really been in a poetic feel lately. it has been all i am reading lately. and when i was reading Byron, which reminded me of reading Shelley...who was best friends with John Keats. so to satiate my need...and yours, i posted my favorite of his poems. if it brings a tear to your eyes, then it has served its purpose.



"Ode to a Nightingale"

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness, -
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease.


O, for a draught of vintage! that hath been
Cool'd a long age in the deep-delved earth,
Tasting of Flora and the country green,
Dance, and Provençal song, and sunburnt mirth!
O for a beaker full of the warm South,
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,
And purple-stained mouth;
That I might drink, and leave the world unseen,
And with thee fade away into the forest dim:


Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the leaves hast never known,
The weariness, the fever, and the fret
Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;
Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs,
Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And leaden-eyed despairs,
Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow.


Away! away! for I will fly to thee,
Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,
But on the viewless wings of Poesy,
Though the dull brain perplexes and retards:
Already with thee! tender is the night,
And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,
Cluster'd around by all her starry Fays;
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown
Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways.


I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,
But, in embalmed darkness, guess each sweet
Wherewith the seasonable month endows
The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild;
White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine;
Fast fading violets cover'd up in leaves;
And mid-May's eldest child,
The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,
The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.


Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain -
To thy high requiem become a sod.


Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that oft-times hath
Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.


Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toll me back from thee to my sole self!
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well
As she is fam'd to do, deceiving elf.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades
Past the near meadows, over the still stream,
Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music: - Do I wake or sleep?

-John Keats.

you'll remember me when the west wind moves.

okay, so i have no idea why Sting came to mind...but oh well. i guess this blog will begin "among the fields of Barley..."even though wheat has nothing to do with what i am supposed to be doing as of right now.

i have a lot of physics to do, and i just got all of the problems down so this is just my way of procrastinating. anyway. i keep getting distracted.

i am so ready to graduate. when i first typed that in, it came out "i am so rad" but i guess that is accurate, too. i had a large McDonald's fry for dinner and a vegan boca burger without lettuce and i feel like such a failure. i don't feel like anything i ate today was green, although the eyeshadow i wore today was 4 gradient shades of green. i am rambling because the longer this is, the longer it takes until i have to crack the physics book. i am no engineer. and i know it.

so, i find it a huge encumbrance that i will have to go the whole day for exams. i hope thy don't mind when they see the pillow i bring along so that i can pass out.

Disney Disney Disney. i am so excited for Disney. and then, when i come back from Disney, i will be getting tattoos. and i will never be ashamed to bare my arms again. hahaha!

i hope i get an A in psychology. stupid 91!!!!!

anyway, this is becoming really obnoxious. i hate it when i am typing something and my sister decides to read every word as it appears on the screen, even though she knows i hate it when people watch me type. she annoys me most of the time.

Blake hasn't called me yet, and i am getting worried that we are going to fail this whole project thing. and i cannot let that happen!!!!!!!!!!

okay, i guess i can be done with this now, but know that i am going reluctantly!

until next time,
"adieu, adieu, to you and you and you. "

feeling pangs of...

GUILT.

just opened an email from mr. kershasky, about how he is in a lot of pain...

and i still havent told him that i am not submitting my artwork. its not something i want to tell him on facebook.

so, i just dont know what would be best. but i hope it all works out without him being disappointed in me later.

alas, poor Meg. she died from lack of conviction.

knock knock

i just made my aunt Missy a facebook, after asking her so many times to make one. i took over her laptop, and Banjo the Hound keeps licking my toes. i ran out of knock knock jokes for the insatiable three year old, the baby just woke up.

hahah, the life i love. this had to be quick because now he insists i can fly, and i have to teach him how.

i love how i am tall in his eyes.

Hallowed Hollowed Hearts.

it is time to shake off the parasites. i feel a change in the wind, and it is mangling my hair. but i think i like the attention, and yeah, maybe it is somewhat undesired. but that is what life is all about.

i realize you probably don't even know what i am saying to you at this point, but that's okay. i like a little mystery so lets go with it. i have been feeling different lately. its not a bad feeling, no, and when i was dusting off my books the other day i remembered what i was going through this time last year. and i will admit that a slight sigh escaped my lips, and maybe i will submit to the fact that it held a twinge of guilt, but not enough to burn your violets to a cinder, okay? i was adjusting my mirrors, and i finally scraped some of the sentiment off of my walls. and i feel...renewed. and i will admit that it was a small step for mankind, but i thought it was a big leap for me. i have been feeling a lot like a shot in the dark for a while. but now i am beginning to understand that i am worth the while, i am worth remembering. and that is something worth raising a glass to.

what exactly is in that glass you wonder? it better be ginger ale, because it has almost been a year since i...well, since i decided that wasn't me anymore.

i cleaned my bedroom out. i am tired of shoving the dirt under the bed, and burying the bodies in the closet. the blood was staining the carpet. the walls were getting bent with the hidden weights. it might have been just a spring cleaning, but it felt much more symbolic than that. i woke up from that year long dust bowl that was raging in my soul underground.

.....i think i finally let go of the last piece of her that was holding me back.

i think i finally found....what was left of me, what was waiting for so long. no more excuses.

slanty town.

i have know idea what i want to say here. i just decided that i would start writing and see what happened. my mother was supposed to take me to thomas nelson today, but she didnt. she promised. but her back hurts. i dont know. i was just disappointed because i wanted to get it out of the way. my report card would have been perfect this time if it wasnt for the big fat eyesore of an "F" i got in physics. i hate physics. i never got to start my painting today in art class because i needed a picture of a rat, and i need some caramel corn, but alas. i never acquired these things. i need to get these things by thursday.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

well, i guess i didnt have that much to say today. i am drawing a blank. i am under so much stress. i need to get so much artwork done and i have so little time to do it in. anyway. here's to hope!

copy cat.

both victoria and coggs typed in random facts about themselves. usually, i work like a salmon and swim against the stream, but i love them. and i love their ideas. and i want to be part of the group. so i am going to list my self facts too!!!!! this is going to be a long list, so get comfortable.

- i went to one brownies meeting when i was a kid, and never went back because i hated it.
- i loved watching old shows when i was a kid. like the Golden Girls, and I Love Lucy.
- i have this curse of always wanting what i cant have.
- the guys i am attracted to are usually in a relationship.
- i can act like a complete snob, but its only because i hate settling for things i don't like.
- its really hard for me to tell people how i really feel.
- i haven't had time to read a lot of the books on my shelf, and it really bothers me.
- i love accents, and wish i had one. well, i do, in other countries.
- i feel like a terrible person sometimes for no reason.
- sometimes i will lay awake at night and wonder what my life would be like if i had made different choices.
- i hate talking on the phone for the first time to people. i know i sound like a child.
- i dislike borrowing books, because when i read a book i usually end up buying it.
- i hate it when people fold pages in books.
- mom borrowed my favorite book once, folded a page in it, i cried, and had to buy a new copy.
- i hate it when people post pictures of themselves kissing.
- when i am in a bad mood, i hate seeing happy people.
- i compare myself to others.
- i have the worst self esteem issues.
- i never leave the house without makeup on, and i only wear my hair up when i am working.
- i feel guilty when i am disappointed with my friends' choices.
- i feel like my mother didn't like me between the ages of 10-14
- i want so badly to live in CALIFORNIA, especially the Bay Area, Berkley.
- i am scared i don't have the talent to be a tattoo artist.
- i am terrified i will loose my talent. i forever have nightmares that my hands will be smashed or i will go blind.
- i consistently wonder if i was thinner, men would like me more.
- i hate that i can be just as shallow as the people i dislike for the same fault.
- i love Indian food, and hate American food.
- i hate cleaning, but cannot live without cleaning.
- i love cooking for people. even if i wont eat what i prepared.
- i get more joy out of giving gifts than receiving them.
- it makes my day when people tell me that they missed me, or that they thought about me.
- i am terrified of getting splints shoved under my nails
- when i am up extremely high, my legs get shaky. but i crave the feeling that fear brings.
- i always wished that i was raised Catholic, because i love the aesthetic.
- i am more proud to be vegan than i was to be vegetarian. i tell everyone.
- i hate it when i see ugly people in a relationship, when i am not.
- i hate it when people tell me that i am beautiful, and will find someone special soon, because i view false hope the same as lieing to my face.
- i consistently wonder if i scare people away by being myself.
- i apply fortunes from the cookies at Chinese places to my life.
- i love Disney world, i love Disney cartoons, i love Disney cartoon movies, but i hate most of the new Disney channel things.
- i love children.
- i love clothes that i cant wear.
- i never leave the house in stretchy pants unless i am going to the gym, because i feel like they highlight my flaws.
- i wish people didn't stereotype me so much.
- i am a hopeless romantic. i have always wanted to be kissed in the rain, walk hand in hand on the beach at sunset, proposed to holding a bouquet of wildflowers...
- i have a fear that i will never find anyone that will truly love me.
- did i say that i was really insecure?