Hallowed Hollowed Hearts.

it is time to shake off the parasites. i feel a change in the wind, and it is mangling my hair. but i think i like the attention, and yeah, maybe it is somewhat undesired. but that is what life is all about.

i realize you probably don't even know what i am saying to you at this point, but that's okay. i like a little mystery so lets go with it. i have been feeling different lately. its not a bad feeling, no, and when i was dusting off my books the other day i remembered what i was going through this time last year. and i will admit that a slight sigh escaped my lips, and maybe i will submit to the fact that it held a twinge of guilt, but not enough to burn your violets to a cinder, okay? i was adjusting my mirrors, and i finally scraped some of the sentiment off of my walls. and i feel...renewed. and i will admit that it was a small step for mankind, but i thought it was a big leap for me. i have been feeling a lot like a shot in the dark for a while. but now i am beginning to understand that i am worth the while, i am worth remembering. and that is something worth raising a glass to.

what exactly is in that glass you wonder? it better be ginger ale, because it has almost been a year since i...well, since i decided that wasn't me anymore.

i cleaned my bedroom out. i am tired of shoving the dirt under the bed, and burying the bodies in the closet. the blood was staining the carpet. the walls were getting bent with the hidden weights. it might have been just a spring cleaning, but it felt much more symbolic than that. i woke up from that year long dust bowl that was raging in my soul underground.

.....i think i finally let go of the last piece of her that was holding me back.

i think i finally found....what was left of me, what was waiting for so long. no more excuses.

slanty town.

i have know idea what i want to say here. i just decided that i would start writing and see what happened. my mother was supposed to take me to thomas nelson today, but she didnt. she promised. but her back hurts. i dont know. i was just disappointed because i wanted to get it out of the way. my report card would have been perfect this time if it wasnt for the big fat eyesore of an "F" i got in physics. i hate physics. i never got to start my painting today in art class because i needed a picture of a rat, and i need some caramel corn, but alas. i never acquired these things. i need to get these things by thursday.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

well, i guess i didnt have that much to say today. i am drawing a blank. i am under so much stress. i need to get so much artwork done and i have so little time to do it in. anyway. here's to hope!

copy cat.

both victoria and coggs typed in random facts about themselves. usually, i work like a salmon and swim against the stream, but i love them. and i love their ideas. and i want to be part of the group. so i am going to list my self facts too!!!!! this is going to be a long list, so get comfortable.

- i went to one brownies meeting when i was a kid, and never went back because i hated it.
- i loved watching old shows when i was a kid. like the Golden Girls, and I Love Lucy.
- i have this curse of always wanting what i cant have.
- the guys i am attracted to are usually in a relationship.
- i can act like a complete snob, but its only because i hate settling for things i don't like.
- its really hard for me to tell people how i really feel.
- i haven't had time to read a lot of the books on my shelf, and it really bothers me.
- i love accents, and wish i had one. well, i do, in other countries.
- i feel like a terrible person sometimes for no reason.
- sometimes i will lay awake at night and wonder what my life would be like if i had made different choices.
- i hate talking on the phone for the first time to people. i know i sound like a child.
- i dislike borrowing books, because when i read a book i usually end up buying it.
- i hate it when people fold pages in books.
- mom borrowed my favorite book once, folded a page in it, i cried, and had to buy a new copy.
- i hate it when people post pictures of themselves kissing.
- when i am in a bad mood, i hate seeing happy people.
- i compare myself to others.
- i have the worst self esteem issues.
- i never leave the house without makeup on, and i only wear my hair up when i am working.
- i feel guilty when i am disappointed with my friends' choices.
- i feel like my mother didn't like me between the ages of 10-14
- i want so badly to live in CALIFORNIA, especially the Bay Area, Berkley.
- i am scared i don't have the talent to be a tattoo artist.
- i am terrified i will loose my talent. i forever have nightmares that my hands will be smashed or i will go blind.
- i consistently wonder if i was thinner, men would like me more.
- i hate that i can be just as shallow as the people i dislike for the same fault.
- i love Indian food, and hate American food.
- i hate cleaning, but cannot live without cleaning.
- i love cooking for people. even if i wont eat what i prepared.
- i get more joy out of giving gifts than receiving them.
- it makes my day when people tell me that they missed me, or that they thought about me.
- i am terrified of getting splints shoved under my nails
- when i am up extremely high, my legs get shaky. but i crave the feeling that fear brings.
- i always wished that i was raised Catholic, because i love the aesthetic.
- i am more proud to be vegan than i was to be vegetarian. i tell everyone.
- i hate it when i see ugly people in a relationship, when i am not.
- i hate it when people tell me that i am beautiful, and will find someone special soon, because i view false hope the same as lieing to my face.
- i consistently wonder if i scare people away by being myself.
- i apply fortunes from the cookies at Chinese places to my life.
- i love Disney world, i love Disney cartoons, i love Disney cartoon movies, but i hate most of the new Disney channel things.
- i love children.
- i love clothes that i cant wear.
- i never leave the house in stretchy pants unless i am going to the gym, because i feel like they highlight my flaws.
- i wish people didn't stereotype me so much.
- i am a hopeless romantic. i have always wanted to be kissed in the rain, walk hand in hand on the beach at sunset, proposed to holding a bouquet of wildflowers...
- i have a fear that i will never find anyone that will truly love me.
- did i say that i was really insecure?

tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial...

for what its worth, it was worth all the while. its something unpredictable, but in the end is right, i hope you had the time of your life.

goodbye, Baltimore, goodbye and good riddance.

"midway upon the journey of life, i came across..."

the entrance to hell. (http://cromwell-intl.com/travel/usa/baltimore/) this person's bog sounds almost identical to mine.

my first full day in the beautiful city of Baltimore was greeted warmly by the nice sound of cars roaming outside and the songbirds chirping. i got dressed, hopeful and happy for the day of historical excursion ahead. i donned my plum velvet blazer and left my happy bank/hotel to enjoy a stroll around POE's Baltimore. many streets were crossed, many people passed. streets turned into avenues, that turned into alleyways, that slowly began to look less like a scene from a cake baking show, and more like a hybrid between good times reruns and the breaking news on channel 10. the nice cars and birds i heard this morning were exchanged for sirens and children screaming, as well as blasting rap music and cursing that resembled the halls of menchville...on steroids. i was beginning to wonder where the transporting machine from an alternate universe i had stepped on was, because it seemed like as soon as i left the Westminster church i ended up in the middle of the set of the movie, Boyz in the Hood. as i walked on, hoping that somewhere along the way i would find the safe haven that would be the Poe house, the surroundings were getting worse and worse, and i was thinking that either i was two steps from being shot, or someone was going to try and sell me some hard drugs. i was wondering if the map had lied to me, a dangerous thing when one relies on printed information to get to where they are going on foot and have no familiarity with the area. there was no sign of anything remotely like a museum....so i found it increasingly necessary to phone a police officer, or superman, or JESUS, whomever got there faster.

i don't think i will never forget Officer Nelson. when the police came to pick me up, they were all laughing at what must be the typical lost and weary traveller. apparently, the Poe House that i never saw, i had just walked by. and apparently my story was not falling on unfamiliar ears. the "historical landmark" is in the middle of one of the worst ghettos in Baltimore, and is actually attached to Project housing. it wasn't even open, as a male officer informed me, it was closed for renovations. and i found out on the blog that i posted a link to above, that you can only get in through prior notice and arrangements. and hardly anyone goes because it is in the middle of hell, or Maryland's Bronx, whichever.

Officer Nelson gave us a ride back to the hotel, which was exceedingly nice. and she even drove by the Poe House so we could see it. it was not what we expected. and was surrounded by truly unseemly circumstance. this was not explained on the brochure. NEVER GO THERE, UNLESS YOU ARE SEEKING DEATH OR HEAVY DRUGS.

while i was riding in the back of a police car for the first and only time in my life, i started to realize how far from the hotel i had actually walked. the high rise businesses and old fashioned historical buildings, gave way to thousands of discount liquor stores and Animal Chop Shops specializing spare parts. the smells changed, from commercial smog and food to nasty dirt and decay. the quaint eateries gave way to run down restaurants out of service for years. Officer Nelson had commented as we passed through the projects that the police in this neighborhood have nicknamed the area around Edgar Allan Poe's House "THE PO' HOUSES."

i took a photograph of a bench in that terrifying ghetto i was in, it was well worn with the phrase, "Baltimore the best city in America." it made me realize how deep the rabbit hole i stumbled down really goes. it is amazing when you see with your own eyes the disappointment that emanates from a place like that. it made me glad for the beauty that i find in my own home, it made me realize how sad i truly am for America.

live! from charm city.

Greetings from Gay Street!



above are pictures of my hotel, an ex bank, circa 1800s. that is a picture of the grand lobby, which is quite beautiful in person. what you cannot see behind that blue board straight ahead is that the office is a converted bank vault, complete with the extreme turning lock and bars....which is pretty much the raddest office door i have ever seen.

anywhosen, more tomorrow, i am going to have some amazing adventures in this city! it is so unbelievably beautiful here!

TschauWiederseh'n!

the morally ambiguous character.

Things Fall Apart, 2002. Morally ambiguous characters -- characters whose behavior discourages readers from identifying them as purely evil or purely good -- are at the heart of many works of literature. Choose a novel or play in which a morally ambiguous character plays a pivotal role. Then write an essay in which you explain how the character can be viewed as morally ambiguous and why his or her moral ambiguity is significant to the work as a whole. Avoid mere plot summary. (1979 is similar)


Achebe employs the morally ambiguous character Okonkwo in order to allow him to be more accessible to the audience. The reader recognizes that Okonkwo is ethically indefinite in that he can be an outwardly merciless killer while at the same time a loving father figure. When first the reader is introduced to Okonkwo, he is known as the respected warrior, affluent and imperative as a leader and farmer. But he is also a man that is haunted by the memory of his father, and therefore all of his acts are in desperation to elude the failures his father was marred with.


Okonkwo is celebrated in his tribe as being an infamous warrior, a merciless killer. He was known throughout many villages as the strong fighter, the fearless combatant, whom was revered for his strengths. It is difficult for the reader to acknowledge that any man so impassive to the physical pain he had inflicted upon others, could be more than just simply wicked. He shows that he enjoys the sport of killing through his actions, and is not restricted in his disdain for any man he feels is weak. He is a man that loathes limitation, and despises laziness. Perhaps the most agonizing occurrence in the entire novel offers to the reader the best example of the malicious character that resides within Okonkwo. When Ikemefuma runs to Okonkwo for salvation and Okonkwo refuses, the audience is almost all at once painful realization that his fear of what others perceive of him is too strong to overcome, and they experience the heartbreak of knowing the love he felt for Ikemefuma was not enough to dominate his fear. This is significant to the novel’s genuine accessibility, in that Achebe wrote this character to represent a universal irony of the strong man who cannot help but succumb to his weakness.


It is easy to view Okonkwo as the strong warrior, but he also has a loving aspect to his character, which works to portray him as the vague man he is. The reader is quick to acknowledge the violence and fear, but must look deeper to recognize the warm and loving father figure beneath. It is because of his fears that Okonkwo suppresses most of his affections, but there are some instances where the reader can see but a glimpse of his kindness and adoration. The reader notices this in his fondness for Ikemefuma and Ezinma. It is unfortunate that Okonkwo must conceal the love he has for his favorite daughter, even though she is much like him in her ways of placing importance on performance instead of emotion. It is significant to the novel that Okonkwo suppresses his emotions in this way. The concealing of emotions that he feels are feminine, including love, is central in portraying his moral ambiguity.


Achebe uses his mastering of the qualities universal to human men of all cultures to create a character in Okonkwo that is morally indistinct. It is intriguing to the reader to try and place Okonkwo in a type of “evil” or “good,” although it is not at all an easy task. The fact that Okonkwo is so vague in his motivation makes him uniquely obtainable to the audience. His tragic flaw, common in all familiar Greek myths, is his fear of failure and his abhorrence of weakness. He is a man dominated by anger that struggles with his emotions, and works to resist his basic human need for poignant expression. His characteristics are powerfully human, and because they are so believable, he is exceptionally identifiable to the reader. His ambiguity is what makes his character so believably human, and Achebe uses his understanding of human nature to his advantage. Okonkwo cannot be burdened with any kind of label, whether his intentions are good or bad, just as any human cannot be restricted to such dry descriptions. And with this in mind, it is simple for the audience to acknowledge that it is his motivation that remains clear, to be a strong, prosperous man.